The only film of the Santa Barbara International Film Festival (#SBIFF) that I watched was Detachment on Saturday Morning. Who knew there were 8 am films?  I went because I made tentative plans to meet a friend and I’d hate to be the one that bailed… I had no clue what the film was about or who was in it, so at about 7:30 I pulled up the trailer on my phone and saw that this movie was with Adrien Brody (whose face makes me sad), and Marcia Gay Harden (you’d know her if you saw her) – she’s one of my favorite (supporting) actresses. Additionally it was by the producer of The Hurt Locker – an excellent film. I figured it might be good.

If you ever saw Half-Nelson, that’s a little of what it was like. A lot of people liked Half-Nelson, come to think of it, that movie makes me think of Blue Valentine (another Goslin Film). Detachment was a film was about a substitute teacher and his story and his efforts to help those around him – when in fact he’s equally in need of help. In the meantime, everyone and everything around him is screwed up. (Don’t know that’s the writer’s description but it’s mine.) My favorite thing about movies is the writing. I understand the most traditional quest centered plot – be that internal or external. I don’t however, understand plots that don’t move a character out of his or her misery at any point, or very seldom.

This kind of self-pity plots or plots surrounded by our self-created or other created misery  and shortcomings are popular and the evidence was American Beauty and its 1999 Academy Award. I don’t like these because they glamorize a certain state of mind that is not one that we should seek to perpetuate. In short: I don’t believe that we’re all that fucked up. I really don’t. I believe there are challenges in life, and some we do well at, some we don’t and we either learn, or repeat the mistake until we do it better.

I don’t mean to say everything is perfect, but often I find people exacerbate their own experience, and perpetuate its difficulty perhaps on purpose. Additionally to one’s own struggles, it is easy to internalize and not just empathize with nearby struggles, but that’s dangerous to the state of the self.

I love movies, and I spend more time than the average movie goer, thinking about things that are well done (again, mainly in the story) and about the film’s meaning. Obviously somebody wrote them, and a lot of people spent a lot of money and time to produce them, so the message independent of the genre, has got to be worth at least pinning down. Sure, the hangover has no message but then again, I don’t really watch comedies… I think my point is: supply/demand. We get more of what we consume, and I don’t know why there is (I find most often among Americans) such a high rate of consumption and glamorization of odes to misery. I’m not a fan.

Grab a notebook – if you have a new one around perfect. If not it’s okay. Mine is one of those small 4.5 x 3.25 inch notebooks. On the front cover write the following and then fill it in for this year, and subsequently every year at the end of the year.

10 Things I learned in [2011]

10 Things I’m Grateful for in [2011]

10 Things I intend to create in my life in [2012]

5 Things I want to do in the next 5 years

Four key ideas of hope: accept love, play more, forgive, give thanks

I’ve been doing this since 2005 – diligently every year. And what I have learned through these reflections has been astounding. It’s a birds eye view into your own life, as chronicled by yourself. Try it and you won’t regret it! 

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Well, it wasn’t as epic of a trilogy in the way that a quest is laid out and sought through a journey by the protagonist, but 2011 was the end of a trilogy for me, where although I stayed put in one spot, I traveled quite the distance, and have come to a place further than when I began.

New Year’s is not complete without a look back, but this year I can’t help but to look back and make sense of this year ONLY in the context of the previous two years (09 + 10). In the world’s shortest visit by a best friend, long conversations with a new friend, and a summary moment with mom this year can be summarized as the year I learned enough about myself to now handle and take control of the rest of it.

Hafiza and I in a quick visit recognized a certain stage in life (I think the one I’m just past or passing through) where you’re no longer finding yourself, but rather you’re found, and who you are then defines how you deal with things that come at you, or that you look for.

09 Was a year of a lot of efforts in various fronts, without fully being sure of myself, or of anything much; Either because of it or coincidentally, there were plenty of challenges in the same year that I didn’t handle well but I learned a lot about myself. Regrettably or unfortunately I didn’t synthesize these lessons into something concrete or useful. As a result of 09, I wasted half of 2010 with nothing to show for it. Midway through 2010 I began clearing a path for new risks, new opportunities but with plenty of uncertainty.

2011 began with me committing to something new, most than likely something I thought could be good, but most likely bad. I had very little confidence any undertaking would be successful, but having not a lot of other options, I figured, what the heck…Worked on my own, then worked with someone else, took on the online marketing space, and adapted to it. Being uncertain anything I was doing would work I just stuck with it – and came out on the other side, fairly validated. In my relationship between  my commitment of efforts and support of my beliefs, I took on a type of risk that was unbelievably unlike me to take, and again was validated if not by the outcome, by how I felt about it.

Once again my family and closest friend proved to be very unconditionally supportive – and they’ve gotten to go through the last 3 years with me to, so yay for them, and yay for me cause they’re there!

2012 Can’t possibly be bad the way I see it. In fact, I have big expectations for it…I know who I am independent of where or whom I work with, I have certain overarching goals, but sufficient self reliance to make bigger decisions now, and I have a greater commitment to handling consequences that come about from my actions. So bring on 2012 – which is suspect will be bigger and better!

A few nights ago I had a dream I dropped my iPhone 4G in water, and when I went to exchange it, it turns out I hadn’t bought the protection plan – Apple Care – and I was very annoyed because I was going to have to purchase the phone again. In reality, I shattered my phone on a run a couple months ago and had to buy a new one, which is covered under a limited warranty for 90 days, and I’m pretty sure these will be up in the next couple weeks – I don’t know for sure. I didn’t buy the protection plan, and I wouldn’t say I’m losing any sleep over it, but now I think that subconsciously I am…

I am amused by this phenomenon and wonder, what kind of influence our dreams should have over the things we do while we’re wide awake.

While I do wonder if I should get the protection plan, more importantly I’ve also had dreams about bigger life focus items, and I’m wondering if like the phone warranty, I don’t think it matters, but it really does.

What’s that? I’m ‘unfriending’, ‘unfaning’ on facebook, ‘unfollowing’ on Twitter, uninstalling useless programs and last but not least unsubscribing to email lists that I get emails for and don’t read.

One day, one thing at a time, I thought, oh, it’s just one email every so often, I don’t have to unsubscribe from list, x, y, or z. But now, that Facebook and various apps send notification for tons of things I don’t care about, I am making it a point to switch my settings, and unsubscribe to every email I don’t read. Although it takes me two seconds to see an email I wont read and send it to the trash can, it is a lot of time in one given day, however if I take a whole minute to find the unsubscribe link at the bottom, I will save myself all that time in the future. The same is true for fan pages, I find useless, Facebook groups, Facebook friends whom I can’t relate to anything they post. It’s making me feel a little better in general about all the clutter (virtual and non). It all began when using justunfollow.com I started unfollowing 50 people a day who were not following me and who were innactive on twitter. As a user, I can only follow 2000 people (until my ratio changes) and I’m not going to use up my following opportunities on people that don’t tweet. Right?

So far, this trend is being good for me, but knowing myself as well as I do, I can easily see myself going overboard and accidentally deleting important, people or things (think operating software).

First of all, when I first heard him, as a country artist, I was impressed with his voice, and loved most of his songs, and then I found out he is black, which, was a huge surprise. Primarily because country music is so dominated by White singers. In fact, “In 2009, he became the first African American to win the New Artist Award from the Country Music Association, and only the second African American to win any award from the association.”

Some of my favorite of Rucker’s country songs include Alright and History in the Making.

The other day I was driving, and listening to the radio – nothing in particular and Let Her Cry a very popular Hootie and the Blowfish song, that I’ve heard a million times came on. I heard his voice, and I though, “Wow, that dude sounds like Darius Rucker… A lot!” When I parked, I pulled out my iphone, looked it up and sure enough it was the same guy.  I further found out that not only was he successful with Hootie and the Blowfish, and as a popular country artist, but he also recorded a solo R & B album in 2002. I was very impressed with his versatility and confidence to jump around various genres of music – especially when makes a living off this.

So, it made me think, about how many risks we take in our lives, in the things that we do, and how often we think, like Rucker, “when you got it, you got it”, and you gotta do something more, something different with it – no matter what your skill, talent or gift is. If it were easy to try new way of using our skills, we’d all do it, but because it is challenging, trying something different, might offer the most rewards- or in Rucker’s case, Awards.

Find the nearest window. Look outside. What is the most interesting thing you see? What is the least interesting thing? If you don’t have a window, close your eyes and imagine one: what do you see when you look through it?”

Outside is a foggy Ventura morning – but unlike often, what is most exciting today is what’s inside the window.

A friend is preparing to marry the man she loves like crazy.

Congrats to Hafi.

While I worked at the MTC Theaters (the Camino Real) back during High School, I was hanging out at the concession stand, all the movies had been in for a while, and there were only a couple of us there. Some co-workers were doing other duties, taking out the trash, restocking stuff, taking breaks etc.  If you’ve never noticed, all the movies are scheduled in bulk so they will all start within a half our or so, and there is a rush but it is followed by about 2 hours of downtime. At some point a fairly average guy came out of the theater, he wasn’t purchasing anything, he was just bored, whatever movie he was watching didn’t seem to keep his interest, so he just kinda came out for a break. We talked about what local people talk about, the weather, the bad movie. A little while later he starts heading back to his movie, and as he leaves the hall, my co-worker (a UCSB film studies major) comes out from the back room and says excitedly, “Woah, that was Rob Lowe! What did he say?” I look back at him, clueless as I can be, and honestly reply, “Who’s Rob Lowe?”

While I can’t say that I’ve watched something in it with him, I know at least can recognize him when I see him on the screen, and apparently, he’s quite popular.

In my recent trip to Mexico I found that things didn’t change. The fears I had were unreal. In fact, the very opposite was true: nothing changed. The only thing that change was the circumstances. The people that I love are in a different position and circumstances relevant to me. Which is to say that they are the same, but older. Some of the people closest to me are now facing life difficulties.

Knowingly, because of my age, pursuits and personality, I had made a conscious choice to ignore that a lot of my family lives elsewhere. If I can’t see them then I must not have to be concerned with them and about them. I have cared of nobody but my nuclear family which is logical, since I spend all my time with them. However, it became evident in my recent trip to my birthplace, that I do in fact remain connected to the family that did at some time help raise me, in fact far more than to birth parents I have never met. Which of course makes me feel that distinct sense of responsibility to be there for those that need me.

While I’ve been waiting to hear back on a couple of projects, if they do not pan out, which at this point seems plenty possible, I then will embark on begining, and strongly seeking to grow my business, both here and in the third largest city in the world, that is I will pursue ventures in Mexico. I seek to capture a market share that is not yet captivated, and of course to allow for a closeness with the family I have kept out of sight. Additionally, if my time spent in the city can include my grandmother who yearns to return to the country where she spent her entire life, I think it would make a lot of people far happier than I can imagine. I look forward to exploring and planning future ventures.mx

My previous focus was oriented toward things, that were perhaps “good” but left out a lot of benefits for myself, and consequently for those around me. I find the necessary shift in focus, fascinating and of course a little daunting.

The most memorable scene to me of all those movies, perhaps because of it somewhat logical argument, and it made me afraid since the first time I watched it, is found in Never Ending Story II, where Bastian (for whatever reason) loses his memories. One by one, until he loses the last one.

They look basically like a marble, and once they are gone, they are gone forever.

Today and always I find this sad, scary and realistic. Our memories are all that we have, and as time goes by, most, seem faint. There are a few that are indelible. When we recall them they feel like yesterday. But that’s not true with most.

For me exactly that early part of life (between the years these two movies were made)  was spent somewhere different from the rest of my life. Most of the memories I made then, are faint and so distance in time and place. I returned to this place once before, 10 years ago, but for the most part, the most important people, places and things that were salient in my mind, remained intact. Now 10 years later, I’ll return again. I know that most of what was the original memory has now changed, and I’m a little scared, and sad to go.